One little hand

One year and one day ago, I released the hand of a precious little boy, knowing in my heart that I would never see him again. Our parting took place quietly in my heart while the noise of confusion and uncertainty enveloped the school that we both worked in; he as a kindergartener and I as a staff assistant.

Though I retired from working in social services, I wasn't ready to have my home as my occupation. As a former educator before entering the social services world, I enjoyed working with children as well as felt comfortable within the walls of a school, especially an elementary school. So late summer in 2019, I applied to return, not as a teacher but a staff assistant in an autistic class. I felt that my time as a teacher has come and gone.....and I didn't want to start that all over again. A part time job, working four days a week, where when the day ended, THE DAY ENDED! No after school paperwork, emails, communications or reports. Just a familiar environment to punch the time clock, of where I knew my role in the hierarchy in the building.

I soon learned that education on all levels is best when the adults are youthful and/or at least agile, especially in special education. I returned home most days feeling like a ran a marathon. That was just the physical investment in the job that is done for the students. There were days of successes and setbacks...where I hit pause and repeat button in my mind to analyze (or in my case overanalyze) what happened during the day. It was especially difficult in areas of toileting and social behavior.

When I began my job, a new scheduling system was instituted and it soon became apparent that some classrooms were short handed. As a newbie, you go where you are told to go. Which lead me to the multiply disabled class of the little wee ones: kindergarteners through second grade. Very different, less intense, more playful. Luckily this is where I ended up working entirely at after winter break.

Most people in education have big hearts. Many are parents themselves. Some are even grandparents. Teachers, as well as staff assistants, are the ones who besides educate, watch, care for and at times worry about. I wish those who never walked into a school except as a student or just for special events, or occasions as a parent, spend time walking in an educator's shoes.

What I was learning through this experience is that I can't go back. This is a big problem for me....revisiting jobs and activities of my past. Believing that I can do it again. But I was learning that I didn't have the stamina for the job. My well wasn't filling up quickly enough and I was just giving what little I had away. Even with a four day a week schedule, my time ast home was mostly for recouping and regrouping. Something had to be done...

The decision was not mine. Beginning on March 11, 2020, a total change took place in school. The talk had nothing to do with school. It was all about this Coronavirus...and the emotions were intense. I heard some kids joke about it, which people do when they don't know how to deal with something. With spring break around the corner, trips were being canceled. Teachers and administrators were having emergency meetings to plan and prepare for a two week break. Until things became better.

So on Friday the 13th, it was a day that I will never forget. All of the students knew that changes were coming. Staff assistants were assisting the teachers in organizing work packages for the students. We tried our best to keep the routine going for our kids, but there was so many unknowns and changes that it was so hard. But we did keep it together as best as we could for our kids.

The class that I was in had a beautiful group of boys. Sweet, funny, as well as tough at times. My last day was with one of the kindergarteners. Adorable, very animated and could be a real stinker at times....a little one who stole my heart. I knew that when I put him on the bus and wished him a happy weekend, this was it. I knew that this was goodbye. For me, this was a closing of a chapter of being an active part of the educational world. It was a goodbye of a era in the classroom, in the school on a regular basis. There will be many others that will make a difference in the life of a student, but unfortunately it will not be me.